Single? Why isn’t online dating working for me?

I have many friends who are married to their online love.  As a matter of fact, today, 5% of all marriages blossomed from an online connection.  They are compatible, happy, and active together.  Have you, or do you have friends who just have not had an honest magical connection?  95% of connections are not working out… hmmm.  What could the problems be?

When over 55% of all adults over the age of 45 are single, and 9 out of 10 of them are online, online dating seems to be the best way to meet singles who are looking for love, right?  Then why isn’t it working out?

Let me give you a few reasons…

1. 1.  Dishonesty in pictures:  Sharing pictures of landscapes, pets, groups of friends, and the wonderful years gone by, then presenting yourself on date one looking much older than represented is dishonest.  Even the best of us age.  Youth is gracious to tight, supple, glistening skin.  Age…not so kind.  No matter what ‘you’ see in the mirror, time tells all.  When the first impression is based on a lie, then take a sweet guess what the rest of the relationship would be based on?
2.   Dishonesty in habits:  A:  Smoking.  If you smoke or are trying to quit, or smoke socially after imbibing on a few cocktails, guess what, your date knows.  There is no hiding cigarette breath.  Had one a few days ago so he/she will never know?  Guess what? You are the one kidding yourself!

                           BTW; Lying about smoking is the biggest deal breaker on a first date.

B:  Dishonesty in working out:

If you claim you are working out 3-5 days a week, it will show.  Not just in your weight, but in your posture, your outlook on life, your dietary choices, and how you present yourself.  Those who work out do have more pride their appearances and it shows in every aspect.  There is a difference between someone who walks 3x per week (me), vs. someone who ‘works-out’ 3x per week.  The ‘working out’ includes exceeding resting heart rates, building cardiovascular stamina, building muscle tone, having stronger vitality, and stronger hormone production that is revealed in skin and hair.  If working out is a deal breaker for you, I  suggest a first date that includes climbing a couple of flights of stairs to your destination.  You will know by the top of the stairs if he/she truly has an active lifestyle serious enough for you to tolerate, or better yet, to be challenged by!

C:  Dishonesty in cultural/intellectual pursuits:  If you claim that you are well read, or like all types of music, or love indulging in deep, intellectual conversation, then all forms of readings, music, and conversation should be welcomed, and you should be as conversational as your date.  This should be evident in your online communications prior to meeting.  For those who say “I prefer meeting immediately”, usually mean “I am looking for a hook-up and if you are ‘do-able’ by     the end of the first date, then….

It seems those who only corresponded with manners of , ‘Hey, looking good”, or “What’s up?”, or “Can we meet?”, probably aren’t the conversationalists they say they are.  Suggestion:   Each party ask five questions daily, or each time you correspond.  Ask questions that can not be a yes, no, or short answer.  What should happen, is the parties involved either learn a great deal about each other before meeting, or will learn that this is probably someone ‘just not that interesting”, or is too lazy to put time into soul searching and learning about you.  Having a date with someone new every night for weeks on end should scream out, I’m doing something wrong.  I’m either seeking out the wrong types, I am not being forthright in my self-representation, or I am not spending enough time getting to know this person before meeting him/her.  If the ‘second’ date invitation does not come back to you, it is probably you.  If you have no desire to reach out the second time, it is probably him/her.

A few examples of where we should spend some time in self-evaluation:

1. What do I want in my partner?  If looks, hygiene, quality time together is a big deal, look at your yourself first.

i.e.  I have a dear friend who is a 59 year old super nice, intelligent, caring person.  The expression she has made to me several times is ‘Who wouldn’t want a 59 year old widowed doctor with no baggage, no kids, and no health ailments?”  I want to say, look in the mirror.  Would you be attracted to you?  In this day of mass dating possibilities, you do have to put your best foot forward.  You might be the sweetest, kindest, most honest and outgoing person that a special someone has never met… but are you putting yourself in a position for that introduction?  You might have to either change your expectations, or get yourself out there (as uncomfortable as it may be); get involved in clubs and activities that you haven’t before participated in, and clean up a bit!  Think about what it would take for someone to want to get to know you more.  If the exterior presentation is unkept, then it is assumed the interior is the same.  This is often not true, but to break through that barrier, something magnetic needs to happen.

2.  What is my daily lifestyle and do I want it to remain as it is, or do I want someone to change it in one way or another? i.e.  What are your best memories in your lifetime?  That’s probably a good clue to your true lifestyle.  Search for someone who offers such.

3.  Am I happy with myself?  Or, do I moan and groan every week about the same thing?  Do I mostly have conversations that are talking about other people vs. activities, ideas, and current events?  Am I alone most of the time? i.e. If the above answers are ‘yes’, then to catapult you into becoming a happier person, look to change the answers to ‘no’ by setting goals, in writing, and check them off daily and you will see improvement.  No-one can be happy with you if you are not happy with yourself, and since there thousands of singles within your age group, life is too short to do for someone else what he/she should and could be doing for themselves.

4:  Lastly, but certainly not the end, but for today’s finale, what do you want in years to come?  Are you planning on retiring or working late in life?  Are you looking forward to many a day on the golf course, or traveling the world?  Are you content being at home seven days a week, or are you a social butterfly who needs to experience meeting new people and having new experiences? No matter what the physical attraction, if overall lifestyles do not match, the physical attraction will not be enough to sustain a relationship.  Morals, lifestyle, religious beliefs, family values, and integrity to oneself and others are valuable components that hold all the water to a relationship.  One little leak could drain the pool.  No one is perfect and expectations of finding Mr. or Mrs. Perfect are totally, completely, 100% stupid.  But, a relationships should be one of the desire to share life’s daily experiences together and enough love and respect to allow each other growth and support. Kathie Lee Gifford suggests couples date at least one year (to go through all the holidays) before deciding to committ to marriage.  This makes sense; January has the highest divorce rate of any  month, and Christmas is by far the most stressful of all holidays.  If a successful year is achieved, then hopefully the couple will have enough water in their pool to survive, together, the stresses of mortgages, economic fluctuations, family, and illness.

An interesting fact:  Men are more than two times likely to file for divorce, and 2009-2012 were by far the busiest years for divorce.  Think that may relate to the economic down turn?  Hmmm; good sex doesn’t solve economic problems.  Nothing does.  But a loving, supporting relationship has a much higher probability of overcoming life’s difficult stresses, and life has many.

As Jentezen Franklin said in his sermon on Father’s Day (www.freechapel.org), ‘If your relationship is not easy, it is NOT meant to be”.

Amen.